I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
new career option?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Doggies just call it style.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.