I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Found the job I’m suited for
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.