Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
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woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
me: that’s right
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]