I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*