I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Are you ok, human???
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?