I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*ernest hemingway voice*
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Woke up against my better judgement again
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29