I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.