@x_freckles_o

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

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@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

@13spencer

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

@MichaelTrying

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

@AndyAsAdjective

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

@murrman5

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

@AnkCoupleTO

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

@JohnsonDiaz21

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.