I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
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how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.