Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Support your local cemetery

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free