Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

journal

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool