I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Oh deer
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill