Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.