I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Best spot.. 😅
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…