I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
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It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Every haunted house movie:
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.