I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.