I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Meow?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster