I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.