I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Barbie gone wild
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
so much to do
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has