@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

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@Kyle_Lippert

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

@Thynebear

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

@CArmanthegirl

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@KatMcSnatch

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

@StansaidAirport

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

@subtweetopath

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint