I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
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83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My favorite farside!!
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.