“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Tough love is true love
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea