@TheDrunkStory

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

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@Jason_Horton

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@kimtopher22

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

@TheAlexNevil

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

@pizza_dragon

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

@BlondAmbitionTO

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

@Reverend_Scott

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

@rickygervais

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…