I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.