I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Well, that should do it
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
what
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.