i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
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*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.