I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

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Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!


I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.


Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.


A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.


I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.


My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.


I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.


My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.