I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Just a reminder, folks:
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.