I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.