I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*


crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*


“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”


The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.


Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?


The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?


*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.


Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.


My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.