I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.