I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.