I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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I’m going to need a moment here.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”