Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”