I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now