I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably