I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[montage of me giving-up]
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!