@nurse_death

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

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@TheHatStore

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

@ristolable

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

@FSUSteve

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@CopBroughtPizza

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

@lemonmartinis

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

@KeetPotato

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

@ozzyunc

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

@Rollmaninoz

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

@zachary_lampley

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.