I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*