I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

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[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many


If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?


My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?


If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*


and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE


9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.


[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”


I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.


Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]


Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.