Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.