I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Why is everyone getting married at me
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano