“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
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We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people