I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Fiction has to make sense.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people