i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.