Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin