I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
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I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?