I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

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A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”


“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”


Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.


I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.


Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire


Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”


one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.


My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁


i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van