Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
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A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van