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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
