“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
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Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
real
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.