@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

You Might Also Like

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

@notalogin

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

@MommaUnfiltered

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

@kenzianidiot

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

@fro_vo

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

@sad_tree

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

@tone765

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

@wownicetweets

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@ojedge

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”