I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
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It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
2 years later
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…