@ThugRaccoons Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
@CruisinSoozan I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
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@ThugRaccoons 
@notalogin Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
@MommaUnfiltered Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
@kenzianidiot what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
@fro_vo Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
@sad_tree [crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
@tone765 America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
@JohnLyonTweets Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
@wownicetweets They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
@ojedge WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”