I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
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[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Venn
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.