I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
You Might Also Like
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I feel like one of these would kill a European
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.