I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.