I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Customer is always right
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.