i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
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I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
What a chick magnet..
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy