I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders