I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
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If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Overindulged this afternoon.
58.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk