“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha